I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
