Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
