The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
