I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
