Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize