He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
