what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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