i jhust puked up my retainher.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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