We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
why do cheetos always look like penises
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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