Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
