Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
