all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
