I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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