the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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