I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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