I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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