dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
