Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
