Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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