oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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