Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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