My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
