his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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