i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
