honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
