Are we in a gay sports bar?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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