its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
