Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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