Rock
Scissors
Fuck
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
