Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
