made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
