Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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