11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You're my little dorito
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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