I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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