It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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