I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
