Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Is it penis luge time yet?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
