I faked an abortion last night.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
