I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
