We won't sleep together?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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