My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
