Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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