My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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