This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
