I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
