mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
