toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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