god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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