Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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