Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize