how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
