I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
