I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
