I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
