Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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