Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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