Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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