Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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