Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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