All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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