Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
