If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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