Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
