Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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